Choosing higher.

I am feeling 100% better [physically] than during my last emotional post. What a difference physical health has on the ability to maintain a positive attitude!

Not all of my problems are resolved, but I’ve resolved myself to accept them as they are. I am such a “fixer” of problems, which has served me well thusfar in life. However, when you take into an account my husband’s children and their mother, and the oddly enmeshed relations with my mother-in-law, I have resigned myself to BUTT OUT. There is simply no amount of logic and reason that can be applied to such an adolescent approach to very real grown up problems. Also, they’re not my problems. They do have an aggrivating tertiary effect on me and my step-kids, but there is zero that I can say or do to affect lasting change.

Would this weird stuff stand in my family? Absolutely not. It’s not my place to raise my voice against the madness; not at this time. I will speak my mind when spoken to, but something tells me that everyone on the in-law side is distrusting of me enough not to engage me beyond fake-polite hellos.

Now that it’s drawing nearer, I am beginning to mentally plan out my visit in Utah, which will end up being a week longer than inititally anticipated! I am so eager to squeeze my grandmother, and spend some quality time with my best friends, brother and parents. I am praying it will be exactly the therapy I need after the emotional beating I’ve taken lately, and after 2.5 months at this old hotel in Alabama, I never want to see another hotel room in my life!!!!

Still thinking a lot about mortality; how important it is to remember that this incarnation is fleeting; ignore the bullshit and love without apology. One of my dearest friends is in her mid 70’s, and I find myself trying to imagine a life without her in it. So full of life, and yet, clearly in what is likely her last decade. Makes me want to have my babies sooner than later, and start planting the seeds that will be my eventual legacy.

And then, I think again about my mother-in-law. This fierce mama protector that I am, already… will I be compassionate enough to forgive the perceived wrong-doings and allow my babies to be close to their grandmother? I can’t conceive of ever letting her be around my children unsupervised. I don’t intend to return to her home any time soon, most especially while my husband’s ex-wife and children are sprawled out on her living room floor.

Anyway, I am working on what kind of ju-ju I send out in regards to these situations, but I’m so flooded with fear and anxiety over these things I have a hard time remembering that I am in control of how they affect me. I need a massage and some real spiritual healing. I am not getting the emotional coddling I want from Hubs, because when I discuss it with him, he thinks it’s some problem I am presenting to him to fix, rather than console where the ouchies hurt. Men…

Meanwhile, I am constantly flooded with love and adoration that I hardly think I deserve. He worships me, even when I sleep past noon and don’t bathe or lift a finger. He takes care of me when I am sick. He takes pleasure in pleasing me, so I want for nothing. He makes sincere effort to engage with my family and friends, he has full confidence in my abilities as a new stepmom. He endlessly talks about our future children and how he cannot wait to start our family. He loves me without exception. What did I do to deserve such an unwavering magical love?

And I live in Germany! It’s hard to remember my beautiful fairytale Bavarian home, now, having been gone so long… but it’s still there. It’s the home we made together, starting from the bare minimum like two teens on their own for their first time. We don’t have much, but we’ve got a whole lot of love.

Maybe next time I’ll start with the backstory. The romantic tale of how we got here. It’s a good reminder that all of this confusion and pain is so worth it.

Happy Tuesday, friends. xox

 

 

 

 

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